On the topic of leaders

I enjoy politics. Well not really. But I enjoy watching it. All I can say from this leadership challenge, and all I've seen on TV.

I want to see more Annabel Crabb.

Because of the gift

An excerpt from someone who writes and sings much better than I.

I have lost my appetite!
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry...

And if that were not enough !
They know just the words to cut! And tear and prod,
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I can remember when you showed your face to me

As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew.
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh!

When Iʼm looking at the ground...
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days

There's something pleasingly angsty about this reinterpretation of Psalm 42. I've listened to it a few times now. I'm thinking about heading to Africa next year. I remember once listening to a song in church, sung by the youth pastor of all people. It's about a guy who lives a comfortable life, but can't quite shake something.

 It was entitled 'Please don't send me to Africa.' Strangely I think that's where my curiosity may have been sparked.

Oh Lord I am your willing servant
You know that I have been for years
I'm here in this pew every Sunday and Wednesday
I've stained it with many a tear
I've given You years of my service
I've always given my best
And I've never asked you for anything much
So, Lord I deserve this request

Please don't send me to Africa
I don't think I've got what it takes
I'm just a man, I'm not a Tarzan
Don't like lions, gorillas or snakes
I'll serve you here in suburbia
In my comfortable middle class life
But please don't send me out into the bush
Where the natives are restless at night


I'll see that the money is gathered
I'll see that the money is sent
I'll wash and stack the communion cups
I'll tithe eleven percent
I'll volunteer for the nursery
I'll go on the youth group retreat
I'll usher, I'll deacon , I'll go door to door
Just let me keep warming this seat

So much to think about.

The land of sore throats

For the first time this year, I think I'm fighting off some sort of throat infection. I had naturally assumed I'd be sick all the time in GP land. Ironically I think I caught it by sitting next to another medical student.

Having said that, I still recoil whenever I have to see a patient with gastro. I haaaaate gastro.

easy hiyo

Just took part in a paediatric resus. A very floppy child. After 5 shots at IV access they ended up using interosseous... I.e they jam the needle in to your shin bone and squeeze fluid in. Its actually pretty effective. Except you have to use a small power drill to drill the needle in.

Fascinating. Very emotionally charged for all too.

Reflexes

I've had a few awkward moments this year. Here's another one:

I'm what you might call hyper-reflexic. Very easy to trigger reflexes that are quite substantial in their magnitude. Unfortunately I happened to have my legs crossed when I slapped my hand on top of my knee. My remotely triggered patella-jerk kicked in, sending my leg flying forward. I kicked my patient right in the bony part of the shin. We both exchanged awkward laughs as I apologised profusely.

Maybe this is why doctors sat behind desks all those years.

Reflections

I had my twenty-seventh birthdy this week. It's probably the first time in a while where I have embraced getting older. I think despite many around me losing theirs, my head is entering a good place at the minute! Time to embrace it while it lasts!

I've been really fortunate over the last few weeks to enter an awesomely reflective mood. I think being on holiday has allowed me to jump out of 'being in the moment.' A bit of cognitive re-framing!

I can't help but be thankful for my wonderful parentals. Sure I may accuse them of being weird sometimes, but they surely have been great life and spiritual role models. As I professed to a friend recently, to get to our age with a still functional family is truly a rarity and a blessing!

There are my two fantastic sisters. The unacknowledged role models with whom I shan't compare except in hilarity in which I am superior (true fact). The good eggs with whom I have thrown myself in to the carton. Thanks team! I realise you didn't have a choice but you humour me so well!

And then, the relatively recent acquisitions! The brother-in-law and the niece and nephew! The icing to an already rich family cake. A very fortunate member of this elite establishment am I.

I have outstanding friends, outstanding colleagues, amazing mentors and the opportunity to study with some of the finest and brightest students that I truthfully respect and admire.

I am blessed and certainly don't want to not realise that till twenty years from now when I only have hindsight to clarify these thoughts!

Ironically I think I've been somewhat spurred in to writing these things down by the finality of life. I've seen lots of patients die in recent weeks. For the majority old age won out, but for some a premature cause beat old age to it. I guess this is the blessing and the curse of the continuity of care in the country. The patients you meet will all eventually have their names transitioned to the whiteboard in the tearoom in the sky.

But then I reflect on these people and realise that so many have had such a great shot at life, even if they didn't crack a century. I hear tales from other students and doctors of children dying from preventable diseases in far off countries and can't help but feel my heart ache. Yet my cognitive dissonance is still so great.

What a privilege. What a curse. To be so blessed. To have our cups run so far over that we complain about the mess on the table.

So here it is, my prayer for the 28th year and beyond. To acknowledge that God has provided me with far more than I deserve, and the hope that he'll find a way for me to use the bounty he has given me. In the way of his choosing. Because up until now, trying to do my own thing hasn't really panned out as best as I'd planned!

 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

30 km, 3cm

So I'm waiting. Waiting for the call. Somewhere a baby is contemplating being spewed forth from their mothers loins. And I get to watch. Cool.

Could be a while yet. Since I've never had to work a night shift before, I'm hoping I wont fall asleep. Fortunately I'm taking a tip from the GP and hoping to walk in right at the moment of impact, with none of that long and painful contraction business to wait for.

Onward march!